Today was one of those days where I felt like I had to fight with all my might to keep a positive beat, and I still had difficulty maintaining a positive light. I woke up not feeling well. I thought I slept well, but I woke up tired and grumpy with a headache and my stomach not feeling well. I drank coffee, which did not help my stomach, but we managed to get out the door without too much trouble.
I kept playing the Moana soundtrack for the kids because they asked for it, and secretly because I was hoping the music would help lighten my mood. It did at times, but I felt like I was wrestling all day. I had to skip my workout at the park today because I just couldn’t get my energy up and could not calm my stomach down. When I got home from school drop offs, I let my youngest watch a couple of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episodes and I laid down and rested. I felt better after the rest, so I pushed myself up and made us lunch. We put together puzzles and read books outside. I was feeling pretty good by midday, but was still having trouble shaking my crankiness.
We went to karate tonight and I was still short-tempered with the kids, but I was catching myself before I let my crankiness get the better of me. When we got home, I got the kids to bed.
I went for a run because my body was craving exercise. As I ran, I began to realize that my crankiness was due in part to the fact that I didn’t get a run in on Monday, and I postponed my run today. I wasn’t feeling well, I was out of my exercise routine, but also, I am really starting to miss my husband a ton. It is the small things I am missing the most. The sarcastic comments at the dinner table, the playfulness, his ability to just look at me and make me laugh, his knowing eyes when he sees me going negative, and his ability to help me see the bright side. I miss the cuddles and the pillow talk and turning to him for balance when I am struggling. Today’s technology definitely makes these times easier, but having a person physically in your life and virtually in your life are two very different things. The time difference plays a role as well. I forget half of the stuff I want to talk to him about when I do have him face to face on my phone. I love that I can see him every day and that the kids can see him every day, I just wish I could be in his arms. I am not complaining, because as a military family, we have to anticipate these separations and be prepared for them, but I am acknowledging that it’s not easy and that the absence of the one we love most takes a toll on us. On the positive side of that, though, it is amazing to find that my capacity of love for him grows every day because I do think about and remember and appreciate all of the things he used to do to show me and the kids how much he loves us. It is harder now because he is not here physically, but it does give me the opportunity to reflect on how we have loved each other and how we continue to do so, and how we can deepen our love for each other in years to come.
If your loved one is with you tonight, take the time to cuddle, to love, to talk and to be together. If your loved one isn’t with you tonight, take the time to write them a letter and let them know what about them you love.