Today I felt a little off. These are the days where a little sadness and some fatigue gently creep into my consciousness. These are the times, after I part with good friends, and things calm down, that I contemplate all the memories that we just made over the weekend. There is nothing that will taint all of the happiness and wonderful energy, not to mention amazing things that we all experienced. Every time I do something big, or go somewhere amazing, there is a piece of me missing when my husband isn’t there. It somehow makes the experience incomplete. I love taking my children places and doing fun things, and will continue to do that. I love making memories with friends and going on trips, and will continue to do that as well. There is just a piece of me that knows I won’t be able to turn to my husband and say, “Remember when…” I know this is the sadness that has arrived. It is the reality of missing a person. It is not at the forefront of my entire day, but it lingers in the back of my head. It is not something that I can really explain to my children fully, or that some people may understand. These are the days that I will probably let a few tears fall before I go to bed. I know that he is in my heart always when we go on these crazy adventures, but it’s a whole different adventure when he can be there in person.
The weekend itself has caught up with me as well. Fatigue is beginning to coarse through my veins as all the emotions and physical activity are catching up to me. It was well worth it, though. There is nothing that can replace the memories we made with friends and family this weekend. I just felt it worth noting that it is okay to be sad too when your loved one can’t be present for these experiences.
Today was a pretty great day, all things considered. I got the upstairs bathrooms clean, which is step one of getting the house clean for my oldest daughter’s half birthday celebration (this is because her birthday usually falls at the very beginning of the school year, without enough time to get to know people and invite them over). We also have a shopping list and menu set up for the party.
I finished my portion of the taxes, so we are one step closer to filing our taxes for the year and being done with that.
I had a precious moment with my youngest today. It was beautiful outside, so we spread a blanket outside on our turf, sat under the trees and read books. It was wonderful and very enjoyable.
My son was “sleeping” when we arrived home from karate. He mostly just needed me to hold him for a little while. I am sure that he is exhausted as well after the long weekend and jumping right back into routine. Free cuddles are always good for me, and I’ll take them for as long as I can get them.
I have decided that for me, when my household is incomplete, it is important for me and my family to stay busy and do things that keep us and time moving forward. In all of the activity, though, it is okay to feel that sadness and to let a few tears fall when no one is watching. It is okay to miss my husband and wish he could be going adventuring with us. Mostly, it is okay to not always feel 100%. We aren’t 100%, so there are days where it is going to affect us. I have accepted this, and know that some days will be much better than others. I feel okay letting the tears fall and feeling his absence, and knowing that even thousands of miles apart, our love is still strong.